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Expert Advice: Cut the Chaos: Sports Parenting
Parenting contributor Lian Dolan on proper sidelines etiquette.
When my now 13-year-old son was much younger, he played in the YMCA basketball league. My husband was coaching, and I was an enthusiastic sideline regular. Maybe too enthusiastic, it turns out. After one game in which my son had not played up to my standards, I asked my husband exasperatedly, “What was the matter with him? Why didn’t he pick up his man?” My husband answered calmly, “Because he’s eight.” In that moment, I became Reformed Sports Mom.
Since my reformation, I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the sidelines. I’ve been team mom, snack mom, photo-day mom, banner mom and fund-raising mom. I get sports; it’s about winning and losing. But it’s also about playing the game with honor — and that goes for parents too.
Do remember that these are kids, not professional athletes. Every player out there is a child: your daughter, her teammates and the opposition. They’ll win, they’ll lose, and they’ll cry or goof around. It’s a long road from T-ball to the NCAA. (And no, your baby won’t fall behind athletically if you don’t hire a private coach for her at age six, no matter what your crazy sports-parent neighbor claims.)
Don’t coach from the sidelines. If you are not wearing the goofy golf shirt that says “coach,” then it is not your place to instruct your child from the sidelines. Period. If your kids are constantly looking to you on the sidelines, chances are they’re not paying attention to the game. Plus, they’ll never learn to listen to their own instincts if you keep telling them what to do.Do respect the coaches and the referees. At the youth sports level below junior high, most coaches and refs are volunteers. Some are great; some are not. But they are all devoting hours to training, coaching and calling games while wearing really bad outfits. Show up for practices and games on time and keep negative comments to yourself. And, please, think about how you’d look in kneesocks before you question a ref’s call.
Don’t celebrate excessively. It can be incredibly exciting when your team scores in the final seconds. But when your team wins, somebody else’s team loses. A little cheering is fine, but wild whooping and thunder sticks (yes, I’ve seen them at youth sports, folks) is too much. When your child is on the losing side, you’ll appreciate the restraint.
Do remember the solo athlete. It’s tough to be the goalie, pitcher or field-goal kicker. If your team benefits from a goalie’s mistake or a pitcher’s walk, keep your cheering to a minimum.
Don’t sign your kids up for multiple teams in the same season. Yes, I know that your kid is special, but there is no way a 10-year-old can manage two sports equitably. (Or manage them at all! Talk about chaos!) If you are hoping that sports will enhance your child’s life by teaching him teamwork and sacrifice, allowing him to play two sports simultaneously does exactly the opposite. It puts your child above the team, which is the wrong lesson.
Do have fun. Youth sports can be a great experience for kids and parents: new friends, new skills, lots of snacks. Remember what you are there for, though — a healthy outlet for youthful energy. Get yourself a floppy hat, some sunscreen and a cold iced tea. Find a positive cheer (”Go Blue!“) and always clap for both teams at the end of the game.
About the author: Lian Dolan is a writer, mother, Satellite Sister and creator of The Chaos Chronicles, a podcast, blog and website about modern motherhood.
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Wish more parents would listen to this advice. Most forget it a game and meant to be FUN.
Lian this is great advice! My addition -- Even though you think your child might enjoy and be good at a sport, you shouldn't force them to do so if you don't think they will enjoy it. I thought my daughter would enjoy soccer, but it turned out she didn't like team sports at all, but preferred more individual sports like Tae Kwon Do and fencing.
I wish I had had this when my daughter played softball and basketball, around age 9-11. We had a mom that constantly coached from the sidelines. It was embarassing to watch. I wish someone had told her to just back off and let the coach do his job! My daughter didn't play beyond that age; it was mostly my husband's influence and the fact that many of our neighborhood school friends were involved. She later quit sports for competitive dance--which has it's own set of issues but it was a great experience (also expensive) and something we all ended up enjoying and participating.
Dear mlb.com readers... I got this question form Karrie. What do you think? Lian, I have a friend who's son plays football. He is only in the 4th grade. Well, the other day she sent me a text saying that she was in tears because the coach had not put her son in the game yet and it was already the 3rd quarter. I guess this coach has a 3rd grader who he has playing ALL the time and doesn't seem interested in putting my friends son in the game all that often (even know he is older). What advice do you have for me to give her about approaching the subject with the coach(s)? And she says he is not a bad player, not the BEST but does ok on the field. Thanks! Karrie P.S. I wish you had a girl too. I have just one daughter myself and would LOVE more advice on parenting!
Here's what I responded: Karrie... Playing time is the most important issue with kids that age ( below high school) . Studies show that kids would rather play for a not-so-good team than sit on the bench for a great team. Unfortunately, many coaches do not share this philosophy. They play to win, using indiscriminate assessments to value kids ability and manage playing time. I do not agree with having 10 year olds sit on the bench all game. The only things a 10 year old learns on the bench is that he is not good enough. There is no grand life lesson about hard work, just confidence shaking. Your friend may need to make a very tough decision, whether to pull the boy off the team or not. ( We had to do this once and it was very traumatic. Our son ultimately made the decision that he did not want to play for a coach that was only going to put him in 2 or 3 minutes a game, but it still affected his confidence for a LONG time. So I feel your friend's pain.) Ideally, a coach should articulate his playing time philosophy before the season starts so parents can evaluate whether this is the right team or not, but it's not to late to ask now. If he has a play-to -win mentality, your friend's son may spend a lot of time on the bench. And, he needs to be mentally prepared to sit on the bench after hours of practice each week. That is really, really tough for a 10 year old. To be clear,I think any coach working with kids under 14 years old should be able to guarentee playing time, I don't care if it's "club level" or rec league flag football. Kids need to play and your friend will need to be firm in her support of her son. And, maybe, she will have to find another team where the coach understands what it's like to be a 10 year old! Good luck! Thanks for asking... Lian
I always tell parents that there are no scouts at the game. No one is going to recruit a 10-year-old no matter how good she is on the field. So, why not just let the kids have fun? It's all about learning to love the game. If they don't love it, they won't excel regardless of their raw talent.
Good Grief Charlie Brown, I think you have something! Lian, I am a devoted satellite sister podcaster, and today while buzzing along in my chores, I stopped in my tracks...this conversation and article really hit home. My 12 yr old has been on the same 'youth developmental' league for 3 years, this being year 3, we are educated and know the 'game'. However, my little man has stayed, little - size when you hit this age range -matters, and his coach is worthy of much praise, first as a Christian mentor, and former NFL football player, who is also now the Coach of a Christian Middle School her in our town. But, when you pay a sizeable amount of money/time/and effort to attend a game, on your third year and your little man doesnt get one minute of playing time on Saturday, it is very discouraging. We have remained team faithful, and convinced ourselves, that the coaching and leadership from this experience is worth it., but practice 3 nights a week, Saturday games, we are 4-0 our least amount of points has been 52, and so far not one of the four teams has scored against us. At what point do we say,. HEY PLEASE put the little guy IN THE GAME!!!! I emailed this article to my husband, as I was unable to replay the whole satelitte sister discussion and mention the player by whom you referred to as one of the greatest authors/sports individuals...I have to replay the podcast again to get the specifics, and will do so gladly :) By the way, great neclace - the head shot is great tell that first grade teacher-good job! Kim in North Carolina
Dear Lian, I, too, am a dedicated (if a bit time-delayed) satellite sister. I KNOW you have something here - this is a great article. I blog today because something you said on the podcast about this article really hit home with me. To your point about multiple teams in a given season - not only are the kids and the others on the team not getting the best of any given athlete's attention or performance, neither likely is their school work. I teach middle school math and believe that SOME homework is warranted to practice and develop math concepts and skills for strength and agility of the mind, just as athletes do drills for the same reason for their body. I also have a fairly lenient policy on when HW should be completed, because I understand the chaos at home (having two kids of my own). However, I don't think it's acceptible for students to have sports (or other activities) excuses for every day of the week - particularly when it's practices and games and multiple sports. I'm by NO means advocating dropping sports for the sake of school OR over-exuberant homework assignments - just a little balance.
This is so interesting!