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Cut the Chaos: Raising an Average Child
Parenting contributor Lian Dolan on accepting your child’s academic limitations
In the era of the superkid, parenting an average child can be a lonely road. What if your child is (gasp!) normal? Here are some tips to help you cope with raising a kid who isn't an all-around genius.
Maintain Perspective. Your kids will be at least 18 years in your care. That’s a long time for them to become happy, healthy human beings. Their long–term prospects are not determined by whether they can read at age four, no matter what the other moms in your playgroup say. When it comes to child development, remember: It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t rush them or yourself!
Focus on the positive. That’s easy to say, and harder to pull off in a society in which the focus is on SATs and GPAs. But look at the whole child, beyond numbers. Is she kind to her younger siblings? Does he play guitar and write his own songs? Is she a terrific public speaker? Every child is great at something. Remember the unquantifiable qualities you admire in your child at report–card time.
Understand their strengths. Genetics is no guarantee that your kids will inherit your talents. If you love books, it may devastate you that your son is not a reader. (Guilty as charged!) You love math; junior hates numbers. You were captain of the lacrosse team; your daughter prefers ballet. It’s tough, but get over it! Let them find their own areas in which to excel.
Avoid comparisons. The conversations amongst parents comparing children are endless. Who got into what preschool? Who deserves the lead in the school play? Who should make the travel team? Getting caught up in the drama can create anxiety about how your own kid measures up. To keep your sanity, don’t engage in the Great Comparative Debate!
Find a mentor mom. Befriend a mom whose kids are a little bit older than yours and who has some wisdom to share. It could be your big sister, a down–to–earth neighbor or a fellow school volunteer. This is your parenting “guinea pig.” She can give you the “been there, done that” reality check you need to manage your expectations. Listen to her hard–won advice.
About the author: Lian Dolan is a writer, mother, Satellite Sister and creator of The Chaos Chronicles, a podcast, blog and Website about modern motherhood.
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Lian, Great thoughts as always! The most important I think is foucsing on the positive. I'm always telling my daughter to do this and do that, and what she needs to do better. I have to remind myself to try and say at least one positive thing each day, and not get too caught up with the day to day minutiae of remembering to get homework done, not forgetting the gym bag, etc.
dcebbie-- minutiae is a great word. It is so easy to get caught up in all the little things of daily life that we forget to acknowledge the big things. Like healthy kids or happy kids or nice kids! Great comment. Lian
Yes, focusing on the positive--so important. dcebbie, I like the idea of trying to say one positive thing each day. it is very easy to forget when we're all trying to get so much done every day. I have even reminded myself to give my kids a hug at least once a day. remember when they were babies, we hugged, tickled, kissed them all day long? Now that my kids are bigger I realized that a lot of time went by without that! And that probably shows of affection tell a kid more about how we feel about them than the constant talking, e.g. "Of course i think you're a gerat kid, but I just don't see why you don't work harder in school!" Not that I'm asking for a big hug and smooch while dropping them at High School, but I have tried to keep it in mind when they come home.