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Cut the Chaos: How to Be A Good Friend
Lian Dolan shares her tips for creating lasting relationships with your friends
Planning a girls’ night out? Thinking about starting a monthly dinner club? Good for you. In our crazy lives, it can be hard to find the time to get together with your friends, but making the effort to stay connected can actually improve our overall quality of life, from helping you maintain a healthier weight to achieving better sleep habits. After years of talking about and talking to long-lasting gangs of friends as part of my work on Satellite Sisters, I’ve come up with a theory about group dynamics. There are Funsuckers and there are Funseekers. The Funsuckers bring companions down to their level, literally sucking the fun out of group activities. The Funseekers raise up the people around them, elevating the collective serotonin levels. From my observations, it’s the Funseekers that manage to keep their mothers’ group going for decades or regularly reconnect with high school friends. Why? Because Funseekers make getting together a party, not a chore. Here’s how to be one of them.
Don’t cancel. At the end of the day just pulling on some expandable waist-band pants and plopping on the couch with a glass of wine is appealing. But resist! Take a shower, put on some make-up, and get out the door to see your friends. An evening out is always a little effort. Funseekers rally; Funsuckers bail — and at the last minute.
Get cash. Settling the bill at the end of the night is always a little bit of hassle, so have cash on hand to make the process go easier. Eight credit cards is an economic meltdown waiting to happen. Funseekers throw in an extra ten; Funsuckers “forget” to include the tip.
No whining. Sure, we all need to re-hash the stomach flu that hit the whole family or the machinations of our evil co-worker, but save the negativity for a one-on-one coffee date with a friend, for whom the topic is relevant. Positive conversations and upbeat storytelling work best in a big group setting. Funseekers come ready with a few great anecdotes; Funsuckers give you every detail of their colonoscopy.
Stop talking. This may seem counterintuitive, but give it a try. Instead of leading the conversation, follow it with encouragement and good humor. Let your friends take center stage for the night. Being a good audience is great skill to develop. Funseekers provide a laugh track; Funsuckers stomp on the punchline.
Karaoke! Or wear the silly birthday hat or lead the conga line. Get out of your comfort zone and embarrass yourself a little. Life can be serious business, but these are your friends and this is your time to cut loose. Plus, think of the stories you’ll tell tomorrow. Funseekers know all the words to I Will Survive; Funsuckers go home early.
About the author: Lian Dolan is a writer, mother, Satellite Sister and creator of The Chaos Chronicles, a podcast, blog and website about modern motherhood.
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I want my children to be the kind of people to jump in with both feet. I always dress up for halloween (yes, I'm 36), and make football food for the superbowl, and you know what, it is just fun. I hope people jump in with both feet and grab life and enjoy. I always tell my kinds everyone who isn't participating is just looking on with envy.
Right on, Lian! I try to organize girls' night out every couple of months, and nothing drives me nuttier than the last minute flake! We definitely need support of girlfriends as much as, if not more than, stretchy pants and the couch! There's nothing more invigorating than sharing fun stories and similar life events with the chicks! (makes it easier to resume all the work we do the next day!) Plus, it's way more fun to order a mojito when the girls get one, too...men just won't order those "frufru" drinks.
Excellent Advise! I think more women need this advise. There is nothing like a girls night out!
You've done it again, Lian! Another knock-out, right on the money article! Love it! You know the saying, "Dance like no one's watching...etc", well it's on my fridge and I try to always be the listener and never give unsolicited advice, I really hate that! Girl's Nights are incredibly important, we really need, as women, to connect with other women on a regular basis, and if it's over a cosmo, all the better ;)! meg m.
I am 62 years young, and I have a group (there are 5 of us) who regularly get together, at least once a month. We grew up together, attended the same high school, and had a hard time connecting when our kids were young. Now we make regular "dates"...bike riding, having lunch, playing cards,(we're going to see Johnny Mathis in Nov.) We even take a summer vacation together. You are right, Lian, funseeking keeps us going...and your "rules" are right on!