Coping With the In-Laws
Five strategies for keeping the peace with your spouse’s family
When you take your spouse for better or worse, the deal includes good things like built-in dates on big holidays, bad things like snoring, and those things that can go either way — like the in-laws. Sometimes they are bound to drive you crazy, but the key to dealing with your spouse’s family is to remember that you’re not in it alone, says Caroline Tiger, a Philadelphia-based etiquette expert and author of the forthcoming The Newlywed’s Instruction Manual. “You and your spouse have to make sure that your family unit is priority No. 1 and that you are presenting a united front,” she says. Try these coping strategies for common in-law complaints.
Problem: The in-laws shower their grandkids with lavish gifts. Meanwhile you’re trying to teach your kids the value of a dollar.
Coping Strategy: “First, make sure your in-laws know that you appreciate the thought and sentiment,” Tiger says. Then explain your objection — in concrete terms — while keeping a very positive view. Ask them to help you teach this important lesson to the kids. “Make them partners in the goal,” she says.
Problem: Your mother-in-law or father-in-law puts you down.
Coping Strategy: Dealing with this one is all about creating boundaries. Limiting your access is the first line of defense, and next is countering with cheery positivity, Tiger says, even if it makes your skin crawl. “Say things like, ‘I can see why you would do it that way, but this way works best for me,’” she says. Take the high road as much as you can, but if the criticism is incessant and really hurtful, speak to your in-laws and be direct about how it affects you. Since it’s his family, it’s also appropriate for your spouse to say something — and don’t be afraid to ask him to step up.
Problem: Your mother- or father-in-law “friends” you on Facebook (and your wall isn’t always PG).
Coping Strategy: “You can’t not friend them back,” Tiger says. If your mother-in-law is tech-savvy enough to get on Facebook, she will notice if you don’t answer her friend request. Still, you want some boundaries. This one is easy: Enlist the help of the privacy settings, and limit what they see on your page. (You can change the settings for each friend.)
Problem: Your in-laws are ever-present.
Coping Strategy: Decide how often you and your spouse and kids will see your in-laws. For example, plan out which holidays you’ll visit, when you might send just the kids, and how often you’ll have them over. “This way there aren’t new expectations every day,” Tiger says. If your mother-in-law is constantly calling you, e-mailing you or posting on your Facebook wall, you may have to “teach” her how much you want to be in touch. Lead by example, without being rude, Tiger says. For example, respond to voice-mail messages via e-mail, and keep the interactions pleasant, but brief.
Problem: Your spouse can’t stand up to his mother or father.
Coping Strategy: The more forceful the parent, the more fearful a son is of opposing him or her, Tiger says. Know that if it were easy to break the choke hold, your spouse probably would have done it years ago. All you can do now is try to help him see the light, without trashing your in-laws. “If you can’t get him to man up, you might need an objective third party to get involved,” she says. A family therapist might be able to help all of you deal with the issue.
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