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When Fake Is In
Author and self-esteem expert Jess Weiner debunks fake ideals and embraces real beauty.
I recently passed a group of 10-year-old girls at a mall. They were gathered in front of a famous lingerie store that now sells panties, thongs and bras to the under-12 crowd, if you can believe it. This section of the store sits next to its more risqué older sister — a lingerie brand known for provocative runway shows and uberthin models. While girls of this age innocently shop on the preteen side of the store, they are surrounded by huge, blown-up photographs of airbrushed and immaculately photoshopped women just waiting to sell them grown-up worries like “Am I too fat?” or “Am I sexy enough?” Unfortunately, with the newest stats from the Dove Self-Esteem Fund revealing that seven in 10 girls don’t feel they measure up, these worries will come all too soon.
In the course of a day, our girls are exposed to a slew of fake imagery that encourages them to grow up too fast, please too many people (especially boys) and try to be something they’re not. Hair extensions are now hawked by their favorite celebutantes, who tout looking good over being real. Our girls, unfortunately, are schooled in how to alter their online images (“peacocking,” as the current trend is called) in an attempt to reach “perfection.” They see hundreds of ads each day selling them something to make them beautiful or desirable. They learn from TV programs how to lie, cheat and backstab their best friends all while vying to be some phony best friend to an heiress who wouldn’t give you the time of the day if she weren’t on TV with you.
The teen girls I know are absolutely inundated with images of fake boobs, fake tans, fake hair, fake bodies, fake boyfriends, fake friends and fake careers (thanks again, reality TV). The children of the reality TV age are used to seeing phony scenarios depicted as “real” and know full well how to get ratings of their own for YouTube videos (usually by beating someone up or eating something gross). They are skilled in the fakery of how to get ahead, but I believe they are secretly desperate to have more authenticity in their lives (as long as it looks cool).
Right now, as I write this column, I am on a 20-city tour for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund conducting workshops on real beauty for girls and women around the country. The notion of how to teach a girl about real beauty is something I face every day. It can be a lot harder than you might think. Teaching someone about real beauty is not anywhere near as effective as being a role model for real beauty in your everyday life. Explaining what real beauty is can be hard to do in a world that values outer transformation more than inner journey. I firmly believe that in order to change the life of a girl, you must change the lives of the people around her. I find it best, therefore, to lead by example.
To me, real beauty is about being in the moment. It’s about pushing aside all those to-do lists and thoughts about the future in order to enjoy the moment you’re in; making eye contact (and maintaining it) with the person you are talking to, listening closely, breathing deeply and stopping the chatter in your head. It means feeling full joy or deep pain without any cover or pretense.
To me, real beauty is about grace. How do you handle moments of conflict, moments of struggle? Is everything a disaster, or do you allow perspective into your life? Grace in conflict is gorgeous. Grace in love is sensual. Grace in everyday life can look like holding a door open for a stranger or taking your time to drink a cup of tea so you can enjoy the sunrise. Grace is ease and effortlessness in your life.
To me, real beauty is mentoring — reaching out to another person not because you have to but because you want to be of service — because you want to share your wisdom and grow together; because at some point, someone believed in you and now you get a turn to believe in someone else.
Real beauty is about defining those inner qualities we each possess and use in our daily lives and calling them out so we can get used to seeing them and recognizing them. They are just as relevant as a fake tan, fake boobs or a fake nose. They may not be seen by everyone on the outside, but they are the very fiber of our inner style and character. We have to do our best to create a new vocabulary with the girls in our lives so we can know what we are talking about when we say “Embrace your real beauty.”
What does real beauty mean to you? In a world that rewards the fake (from friends to sweeteners), how do you relish in the real? How do you teach it to another? How do you continue to find it in your own life?
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