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Love Your Imperfections!
Have you turned self–critique into an Olympic sport? Real women offer tips for letting go of what can’t be changed.
By Judi Ketteler
I always feel self–conscious when I see pictures of myself, especially profile shots. With a longish nose and skinny face, I feel awkward being photographed. But I recently hired a photographer to shoot my family, and one of my favorite pictures was of my husband and me, both in profile, looking at our one–year–old son as he peeked back at the camera. When I first saw the photo, I thought, “What a lovely family this is” — and then realized that was me! For the first time, I saw my features as soft and protective, not harsh. The picture said something beautiful, and in turn made me feel beautiful.
That photograph taught me to embrace something about myself that I once saw as a flaw. In our culture, this is not instinctive for women. “We strip away our strengths all the time,” says Lori Fields, a licensed clinical social worker who runs the site RealBeautyIs.com.
The first step toward building yourself back up, Fields says, is separating the harsh self–criticism (“I hate my thighs!”) from something that is truly related to health (“I need to get this mole removed because it could be cancerous”). “Know if you want to make a change for your health or if you are just being hard on yourself and you will never be satisfied with your looks,” Fields says.
A classic example of the never–satisfied person: someone who loses a great deal of weight, expecting that she will be happy once she does, and discovering that she’s still unhappy with her slimmer body. Dara Chadwick, author of You’d Be So Pretty If . . . Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies — Even When We Don’t Love Our Own, had that experience a couple of years ago when she reached her goal weight and was in the best physical shape of her life. Yet she was still dissatisfied with herself. “That’s when I knew it was time to work on accepting the body I had, instead of trying to change it,” Chadwick says. One of her big motivations was her desire to be a role model for her daughter. “Moms can be a healthy touchstone for girls in a world filled with images and people telling them they have to be someone or something that they’re not,” she says. Make it a habit to speak kindly about yourself when you’re around your daughter, your niece, your little sister or any young woman. You’ll see that your words have power — not just for impressionable ears, but also for your own self-esteem. In other words: Fake it till you make it!
Five more love–yourself strategies to try right now:
- “Whenever I find some ’flaw’ in my body, I tell myself, ’Yes, but . . .’ and immediately name a positive. It really does help me see that everything balances out,” Chadwick says.
- Give yourself permission to change with age, Chadwick says. Skin sags, hair turns gray, and babies change our bellies. Look at a picture of yourself, and trace each of your “flaws” to a wonderful memory. Write it down if that helps.
- Do something each day that makes you feel good, whether it’s gardening, exercising or being creative. It’s hard to feel negative about your body when you’re doing something you enjoy.
- “Practice gratitude. Your body shows up for you every day, and you only have one,” Fields says. Write a thank-you note to the parts of your body you’re hardest on. (“Thank you, nose, for letting me smell lavender.”)
- Belong to something bigger than yourself. “Studies show that women who volunteer report having increased energy, a satisfying state of calm and peace of mind, and a general feeling of well-being,” Fields says.
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